Sunday, September 2, 2007

No Eye Contact

My therapist suggested that I speak to strangers and make eye contact. I immediately realized that this would be difficult. I tried to discern if I wanted to avoid seeing people or if I didn't want anyone to see me.

I saw Bob Dylan in concert once and felt robbed that he hardly lifted his face from the keyboard or looked out into the crowd. I remember when I went home I wrote about my disappointment. I thought he was hiding. Now I wonder what he was doing. Maybe, like me he just doesn't want to get peopled up anymore.

My diagnoses are Major Depressive Disorder, Schizotypal Tendencies and PTSD. I work very hard at avoiding human contact. For almost two years I stayed in bed as much as possible, not answering the phone or the door. I couldn't even read a book. I have suicidal ideations, and I still work at a grand plan for ending my life.

I simply don't want to be alive. I don't laugh, I don't cry. I don't feel. I do the minimum necessary with my family. I have no friends, really - only acquaintances.

Why am I even creating a blog? I guess I found a way to interact with humans without that dreaded eye contact.

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