Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
But now I'm having trouble going to sleep tonight. I took my Seroquel at the regular time but I am wide awake. Thank goodness for football doubleheaders to keep me company.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
How can anyone terrorize me if they don't know my fears? Terror may seem an extreme word for blackmail or extortion. But as the victim, I feel the kind of dread that terrorism invokes.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Monday, September 3, 2007
During my last session w/ ologist I was describing details of my power rape and in response to, "what did you do after that?" I said, "I told him to get the hell off of me." then later I said, "I told him to get the hell out of here." Neither was true. To tell the truth, I never said anything. I just lied there feeling ashamed of myself for letting him coerce me.
So why the lies? Something to discuss during my next session.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
I saw Bob Dylan in concert once and felt robbed that he hardly lifted his face from the keyboard or looked out into the crowd. I remember when I went home I wrote about my disappointment. I thought he was hiding. Now I wonder what he was doing. Maybe, like me he just doesn't want to get peopled up anymore.
My diagnoses are Major Depressive Disorder, Schizotypal Tendencies and PTSD. I work very hard at avoiding human contact. For almost two years I stayed in bed as much as possible, not answering the phone or the door. I couldn't even read a book. I have suicidal ideations, and I still work at a grand plan for ending my life.
I simply don't want to be alive. I don't laugh, I don't cry. I don't feel. I do the minimum necessary with my family. I have no friends, really - only acquaintances.
Why am I even creating a blog? I guess I found a way to interact with humans without that dreaded eye contact.