Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Recreational Reading: Shrink Rap and other blogs
Monday, September 10, 2007
Monday Night Football
But now I'm having trouble going to sleep tonight. I took my Seroquel at the regular time but I am wide awake. Thank goodness for football doubleheaders to keep me company.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
The On-going Terror of Power Rape
How can anyone terrorize me if they don't know my fears? Terror may seem an extreme word for blackmail or extortion. But as the victim, I feel the kind of dread that terrorism invokes.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Eye on the Prize
Monday, September 3, 2007
Those Lying I's
During my last session w/ ologist I was describing details of my power rape and in response to, "what did you do after that?" I said, "I told him to get the hell off of me." then later I said, "I told him to get the hell out of here." Neither was true. To tell the truth, I never said anything. I just lied there feeling ashamed of myself for letting him coerce me.
So why the lies? Something to discuss during my next session.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
No Eye Contact
I saw Bob Dylan in concert once and felt robbed that he hardly lifted his face from the keyboard or looked out into the crowd. I remember when I went home I wrote about my disappointment. I thought he was hiding. Now I wonder what he was doing. Maybe, like me he just doesn't want to get peopled up anymore.
My diagnoses are Major Depressive Disorder, Schizotypal Tendencies and PTSD. I work very hard at avoiding human contact. For almost two years I stayed in bed as much as possible, not answering the phone or the door. I couldn't even read a book. I have suicidal ideations, and I still work at a grand plan for ending my life.
I simply don't want to be alive. I don't laugh, I don't cry. I don't feel. I do the minimum necessary with my family. I have no friends, really - only acquaintances.
Why am I even creating a blog? I guess I found a way to interact with humans without that dreaded eye contact.